I've written this wee guide for you having caved into a great number of tear-stained emails from many a weary traveller, most of whom have got lost walking about the City, failed to work out the one-way system, got colourblind with the Clockwork Orange (the Glasgow Subway), missed their sneakily hidden bus connection, or simply noticed with despair that when they try to apply their seasoned understanding of rail travel as a means of getting around here, Glasgow looks back at them with nothing but confusion on its happy little face.
So my top ten guide will hopefully brush away those tears & fears, and introduce you to the notion of finding your way around Glasgow the easy way.
By the time you head out of your hotel, you'll be able to smirk your way confidently onto any bus, train, boat, taxi, limo, helicopter or whatever other mode of travel you may come across, slap your fare down with a wink, and head straight to your destination without fear that you're about to be transported to the dark outskirts you've read about only in the news.
So here's my top ten. If you think you're about to get lost in your travels about Glasgow and my wee guides don't answer all your queries, just email me as usual and I'll point you in the right direction.
1. Learn the Clockwork Orange (Glasgow Subway)
2. Which taxi companies to use or avoid
3. A rail Glasgow train guide (see what I did there?!!)
4. Catch the right bus, including Glasgow minibus hire
5. Get off your bum! World famous treks, tours & hillwalking
6. Find the best car hire Glasgow Airport deals & feel safe driving here
7. Cycling Glasgow - best routes & mountain bike madness
8. Don't show off with your limo hire...
9. How about a personalised Glasgow tour?
10. And there's always the lazy way on the Glasgow bus tours
So I hope that my wee guide will make finding your way about Glasgow a little less worrying.
You know, I think if this takes off, the whole guide to getting around Glasgow and all that, well, I think my next step's going to be setting up a wee stall somewhere, you know? Serving our lost foreign friends. No matter the weather, regardless of health, I'd wear a funky red hat with a huge arrow on it, pointing the way and saving the day (hey, now that sounds like a great slogan there!).
Well, maybe not though. Sounds like too much hard work really. I'll stick to writing nonsense like this and sipping my coffee in a nice warm blanket. Now that's the life for me...