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Erra Glasgow Jokes Fur Ye

These Glasgow jokes will help you learn
our dialect, although if you're not Glaswegian
you might not laugh!

The Lowdown | Jokes

The Lowdown

There's a whole lotta jokes & stories out there that have been blown out of Glasgow with the Clydeside smog. You might have heard some from Billy Connolly, or been emailed them from one of your Scottish mates or relatives.

The ones I've listed here are mainly examples of word plays, Glasgow jokes that use the way Glaswegians speak, our turn of phrase, the patter we've applied to change the Queen's English beyond recognition just for a wee laugh.

Don't worry if you're not from round these here parts and don't understand these Glasgow jokes or find them funny - you really need to have come from here or have learned the Glesca patter to pick them up, so really this page is mainly for the expats etc. out there.

As always, if you've got any of your own Glasgow jokes, feel free to fire them over to me and I'll list them here.

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Some canny Glasgow Jokes

1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
"Can ye come and get me? I think ma water has broken". "Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?". "Frae ma knickers tae ma feet!".

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?". "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That's affa dear," says the guy.

5. Did you hear about the guy who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt at the ceremony. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress".

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: "Is there money in the box?". "Naw, it's just me," he replies.

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: "Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo-ooo."

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu-uuu.

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "Look at the label - it says Taiwan".

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get aff ae ma ewe".

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

19. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

20. A Glasgow man, steaming and skint, is walking down Argyle Street, when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "Whit's up Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel!".

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